6

 You saw Splice last night, and boy was that one a stinker. Not only was the story all over the place (is it a horror film, an exploration of the psychology of man creates monster/man vs. monster, or just a wacky twist on  Bringing Up Baby? or is it a breath mint?)


Throughout the film--and you use that term loosely--the person you came with keeps leaning over and saying, "Who's the midget?" 

Of course, you think he's talking about the actress playing the alien spawn, so you profess not to know. Then you realize, at the end, that he's referring to the female lead, Sarah Polley. You suppose, in retrospect, that compared to male lead Adrian Brody (btw, this site is a crack-up: one is "Brodified" after a visit), she kinda does look like a midget. 


Man, what a casting train wreck that one is! Sarah "Billy Barty" Polley runs around throughout the thing with that same stupid slacker-ass look she had on her face in Go. She looks like that bitchy chick you went to high school with who's now all bloated but still think she's hot shit. And Adrian Brody (pretty hot) just walks around in plaid pajama pants or rumpled plaid hipster looking suits spouting a mouth full of pedantic mush on the subjects of right and wrong. Brody doesn't do righteous indignation well here. Maybe it's the matching hair that he and his twit of a character brother sport. You never quite get where they think they're (the filmmakers) are going with these themes. The morality or the hair.


Most annoying, however, are costumes, set design, and props. Man, the couple (Polley and Brody) are decked out like two of the most with-it hipsters ever to board the L back to Williamsburg. You're sorry, but you know a lot of really cool lab scientists. Great people, all. But they don't look like the gang in Splice. Nor do they decorate their pads with uber-cool stuff that makes them seem like they've done most of their shopping in Soho. Or Tokyo. 


Even more annoying was the car driven by Polley and Brody: a red and white Gremlin. Now, come on! Maybe you'll buy the hip decor. Okay, you'll try to swallow the image of Polley in moon boots, a thigh-length sweater that makes her look like Where's Waldo's Woman? just came out in print and a comrade-friendly Brezhnev hat. But a Gremlin? Wow, are these two scientists cool, or what? You think that whomever it was that made that decision should have just dropped those two in, you don't know, a 1971 Ford Pinto--voted one of the 50 worst of all time! How cool would that have been? To have them cheating death in the lab AND on the freeway? Or if they wanted to have them living dangerously, how 'bout Starsky and Hutch's Gran Torino. Or even better: The Dukes of Hazzard's own General Lee (you really should check out "Cooter's Place" here). 

Oh, but too late! Much cleverer writers already incorporated that one into the plot of a much more interesting show: Weeds.


I guess, though, if you're going to be told, visually, that these people are entirely too happenin' for you, shouldn't they be drivin' it with more style? 


Oh, the lack of originality here is mind-boggling. One scene (and you won't spoil the fun) smacks so much of a scene from Young Frankenstein, you find yourself screaming with laughter--only to find yourself alone in that endeavor. Oh, people! 

But this is all you need to take away from this flick: a) Scientists are evil and can not rein in their impulses to play God; b) Simply making the opening credits illegible and gooey-looking doesn't necessarily mean "good"; and c) Be they your own children, barnyard animals, or creatures you've created in the lab, pubescence is always a bitch.